Exploring both what's inside my mind and out

4.25.2013

Spring and struggling

So, it's supposed to be spring according to the calendar.  Hard to accept that here in Central Illinois.  And yet, considering my mood, restless, not content, searching, it must be.  Someone close to me once said that I seem to do most of my searching in the spring and fall.  Interesting observation.
Last time I wrote here, I was happy.  I was content.  I was 52.  It was winter.
Now I'm on the downhill slope towards 54, I'm not happy and it's Spring.   I guess it has nothing to do with my age.
Though I am struggling with age.  I've been struggling for some time now.  I feel a hopelessness.  I feel that life is over.  I feel that so many of the things I wanted to accomplish will never be accomplished.  My body complains a lot.  My mind is not as sharp.  The money situaiton, well it sucks.  I often think that I will never experience that first kiss.  But just this moment when I thought of this, I realized that the first kiss of my first grandchild is still to come.  I'm guessing the universe is telling me that that's the answer.  I need to stop looking down or inward and look forward.  So hard to do at times.
I wonder if things that went on in the world have always affected me as they do now.  The horrible actions of single individuals tears my heart apart.
Yesterday I was showing a friend my new bracelet.  It says Embrace the Journey in a beautiful script.  I told her when I look at it I say to myself Embrace the frigging journey.  She said "that doesn't sound like you". I'm struggling to stay afloat.  Struggling with bitterness.  Just struggling.
And as always there are those who struggle with so much more.  But, my struggles are improtant too.
Is that my only, spoiled child rearing it's ugly head.