Transitioning and Transitioning and Transitioning and well you know

I still don't know what I was waiting for And my time was running wild A million dead-end streets And every time I thought I'd got it made It seemed the taste was not so sweet So I turned myself to face me But I've never caught a glimpse Of how the others must see the faker I'm much too fast to take that test Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (Turn and face the strange) Ch-ch-changes Don't want to be a richer man Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (Turn and face the strange) Ch-ch-changes Just gonna have to be a different man Time may change me But I can't trace time I watch the ripples change their size But never leave the stream Of warm impermanence and So the days float through my eyes But still the days seem the same And these children that you spit on As they try to change their worlds Are immune to your consultations They're quite aware of what they're going through Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (Turn and face the strange) Ch-ch-changes Don't tell them to grow up and out of it Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (Turn and face the strange) Ch-ch-changes Where's your shame You've left us up to our necks in it Time may change me But you can't trace time Strange fascination, fascinating me Changes are taking the pace I'm going through Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes (Turn and face the strange) Ch-ch-changes Oh, look out you rock 'n rollers Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes (Turn and face the strange) Ch-ch-changes Pretty soon now you're gonna get older Time may change me But I can't trace time I said that time may change me But I can't trace time I feel like a David Bowie song, changes have been my way of life for the past couple of years. Oh let's not kid ourselves, changes have been my way of life, forever. But the last few years things have accelerated. And now, I'm back where I started from. Literally. Back to the city I was born in. Haven't had time to process my feelings about this. I'm working part time for POST but not sure how many hours I'll log. I've been sending out resume's but truthfully, I don't want to work full time. And yet, I need to make some money so I can enjoy my time off. Ok, universe, I'm open to suggestions. Namaste

Farewell Lovely Teresa

A friend from my home town died yesterday. She was 51 or 52. She had cancer, had been battling it for a few years. I knew her in grade school then she was in high school with me. Last time I spoke to her, other than via facebook, was about 7 years ago. Before the cancer. She was a very sweet and kind person. She married her high school sweetheart but that didn't work out. I believe she had two children from that marriage, that was a positive. I saw the post on facebook and immediatly began to cry. Hubby asked what was wrong. I told him a friend from my home town had died. I had to leave the room and go to the bathroom for a while. I didn't really know her well as an adult. But it's still so sad. I feel badly for her best friend, who is of course devastated. I feel bad for all her friends who had been taking care of her these past few years. I feel bad for her mother. I feel bad for her children. And I feel bad for me, that I won't be able to get to know her. On a positive note, if there is one, she is no longer in pain, she is no longer suffering. In the grand scheme of life, it is a good thing. Farewell Lovely Teresa.

Sand in My Shoes

Dido sings a little ditty called sand in my shoes. In short, it's about a vacation to the beach and the boy she met there how it's hard to return to reality. I feel the sand in my shoes. I returned to work today from a one week talk fest with a very good girlfriend from long ago. We discussed everything under the sun. Her path and mine have been quite different. Me married three times. The first at 19, divorce at 22, married again at 24, divorced at 31 and married again at 32. She married once at 30. Me, three children a girl at 24, a boy at 25 and another son at 38. She, no children. And yet, we connect. I tried to explain why I stay where I am if I'm not happy. 22 years is a long time. Without lauding it over her, I explain that she can't understand why. Not a defect it's just she is not able to comprehend. I love him. I put up with his idiosyncricies as he puts up with mine. She said we aren't entwined like the church and the steeple and yet we walk along side each other. And that's the secret. I could survive emotionally with out him. Financially no, but I don't NEED him. I think he NEEDS me more and yet, I think he'd be fine without me. He'd find his way eventually. And yet, I do envy her. Does she realize how much? How much I miss the quiet in her home, her garden, her independence? I tried to convey these to her. She is searching for a mate. I think a friend with benefits would be more her speed. And so, I will relish the moments that I find sand in my shoes as I unpack. And continue on with my life.

The Journey

If she had known the journey would be so defeating, she never would have begun. And yet, her enthusiasm and excitement propelled her along, yes. For many years she believed in magic, in love, in beginnings. She had not experienced many endings or not many that were tragic. School girl crushes, first loves, things such as that but never the slow killing off of her enthusiasm. She couldn’t even blame it on any one person. It was many people and it was herself who helped to destroy those dreams. Those half lived lives she would begin and then abandon. Lives abandoned to follow another, abandoned because it was too difficult, because she was not instantly a perfect sailor, tennis player or mother. Slowly, and bit by bit, the belief died. Until by the time she was half way through her life, she realized it might be too late. Oh, there were several demonstrations and attempts to restart but eventually, she gave in. Gave in to her fears, her misgivings, to others and to the shoulds. Was it too late? Could she start again or was she weary of the fight? Was it too late? Were there too many cricks in her joints, too many gray hairs on her head. Was it too late? Was her heart up to beginning another journey. Too late to kickstart an abundant life? Too late for her to be the woman in the saying “Well behaved women rarely make history”? Was it too late for her to make history or even to misbehave? But wait this can’t be a “whoa is me” story. This must be a story of triumph over an obstacle even if the obstacle was herself. And so, she again begins the journey, pulling herself up by the boot straps (does this require wearing boots?), picking herself up and dusting herself off, beginning, starting, commencing, impelling, inaugurating, motivating, originating, founding, plunging into, inducting, conceptualizing once again. And what to do to, you know, what was said earlier, in order to start? Knitting class, that is the next big undertaking. She would knit vests for herself and her husband. She would knit socks for her sons and daughter. She would create beautiful works of art. Once she learned to knit one, purl two. And yet again, beginning that lesson, she wasn’t perfect. So disheartening not to fly out of the knitting gate with speed and elegance. She was awkward, and forgot that the yarn goes through not around.

Prayer

So its been 4 years since I kind of turned my back on religion. Or should I say organized religion. Not God, just those that profess him. Well, I guess God missed our conversations and brought a few too many stressors into my life so I had no choice but to talk with him. I've always loved Anne Lamotts writing. She has a way of sharing her faith without being in your face or throwing all that guilt around. I began to read her new book "help, thanks, wow". I threw out just the "help" prayer and you know what? I feel better. The stressors aren't gone but i feel calmer. I've also been doing some writing, here, and reading some other interesting books. I googled "how to handle getting old" and after much tweaking of the question, found this woman who has written several books. "Put old on hold", "no more little old ladies" and she recommended "bless the stress", cause it means your alive. So far they are fun and thought provoking books. And so, I'm beginning to feel like myself again. Thanks. Not quite to the wow stage but i feel it coming.

Preparing

Ok, so I've gained back the 10 pounds I lost last year.  Argh.  Am preparing my mind to try to lose it again. 

I do that, prepare myself to begin something.  Excercise, eating, writing, whatever.  It can take me a few days of preparation and usually I'll start.  Usually.

I really want to make exercise a habit like brushing my teeth or putting in my contacts.  It would make my life so much easier in so many ways.

Trying to think of what I have been consistent on.  I consistently get my hair cut and colored.  I consistently go to work.  I consistently have a cup of coffee in the morning.

Otherwise, I'm not too consistent.  Not a habit creator or keeper.  Ok, not the good habits.  I have several bad habits.

What exercises do I like to do:
Yoga
Spinning
Weightlifting

So, if I can fit one session of each of these in a week, that's three sessions of exercise.  That's a good start I think.

I used to like to walk but by the time I get home at night, my calves are too tight and I hurt myself.

So, that is my goal for next week.  Three sessions of exercise.

Ta Da...

Surreal

I was sorting through some cd's and cassette tapes, getting them ready for the goodwill and came across a cassette titled "Karl's Song".  Well I knew exactly what this was.  My Navy Storekeeper boyfriend, for a whole 3 weeks I think, came up with some music to pair with a poem I'd written.  Play me a Color.  Sappy.  Anyway, I recorded it.  He said his full name and where he was from on the tape.  Racine, Wisconsin.

What is surreal about this is that a month later I discovered I was pregnant with his child.  I found this out after he had been sent to California and I was in Wales, UK.  I had received one letter from him.  This a love story did not make.  I was 18, had just begun my Navy adventure and knew exactly what I was going to do.  There was no hesitation.

Funny thing was, I was already dating someone new.  He was extremly Catholic and not at all happy with my decision.  You know what, I told him, he had no say in the matter and I was appalled that he thought he did.

I often wonder where my gumption came from.  How was I so sure about the decisions I made at 18 and yet by 19, I was no longer sure?

I was rather independent and very strong in my convictions.  I kind of liked that girl.

My daughter and I were discusing the Meyers/Briggs personality traits.  I found out she is an introvert.  Really?  How'd that happen.  I'm an extrovert but I realize that I actually often have an internal fight between my extrovert self and my introvert self.  I was very shy as a child.  Then my mother married my step dad and he was very much an extrovert.  I think I became one too because of his example.

Oh and I now live about 3 hours from Karl's hometown.

Deep surreal thoughts.